Friday, October 21, 2016


I read a post a few months back about a sister who, like me, was having some anxiety attacks and the post, SubhanAllah was so relateable. Two years ago, if someone were to tell me that I was going to be having anxiety issues I would have laughed and said ,"Me? You've got the wrong person". But Allah works in strange ways. I thought I was emotionally very strong but the past year has proved otherwise.
A lot of people might not understand someone who has anxiety issues. I've read that only those with anxiety can understand someone else with anxiety. It's not a disorder that happens because you're too weak or fragile. It could happen to anyone and there's really no reason that could trigger it in the first place. The first panic attack I had came a few minutes after I did some intense cardio workouts after stuffing myself with extra servings of Lasagne ;) Maybe I over-exerted myself that night but all the panic attacks I've had since then have been random. One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next second, I'm doubling over with a panic attack. 
In January, my father was really unwell and he had to be rushed to the emergency unit and then when I thought I'd really have a panic attack, I didn't. Another day when I was doing the dishes, I just had to give it up because of a sudden panic attack. That's how unpredictable it is.
Anyway, I've been improving over the last few months and Alhamdulillah. I've gone for nearly six months without a panic attack. It's a relief but I keep thinking, 'What if I get it again?'
I read a sister who was telling how amazing it is that when you get a panic attack, your body just doubles over and all you want to do is bend down in Sujood and that's the only comfortable position and SubhanAllah, that night I really understood what she meant.

So, two weeks ago at night, I started feeling nauseous and I was pretty sure an anxiety attack was going to come and naturally, I freaked out. I didn't want to tell my mother because she'd stop me from going to swimming classes and I didn't want that.
I was praying Isha and I was feeling a little light-headed, nauseous and palpitating- sure signs of an impending panic attack. So on my last Rakah, I went down on Sujood and just stayed there. I didn't recite anything or even move my lips in Duaa. All I did was just bow down in Sujood and I felt sooo at ease. It's really difficult to explain how it was.... My breathing slowed down and I was feeling so calm. Just to bow to Allah and know that even if your lips don't move, Allah understand what your heart is saying. It's amazing. 
We feel so at ease lying down on our mother's lap and Allah, Who loves us 70 times more, to prostrate to Him and feel the weight of your problems being lifted is beyond amazing. In Sujood, the soul finds what it craves for which is closeness to Allah and really, at that point, I realized exactly what this verse from the Quran means:

"Unquestionably, in the remembrance of the hearts do finds find rest"

The moment I lifted my head from Sujood, the anxiety had gone. There was still a bit of a headache but Alhamdulillah, I was feeling so much better!
Oh Allah, to have you as my Lord, to be able to talk to you so freely, that's freedom. To express everything I feel to Al Khabeer, the One who is aware of even the tiniest things and more than that, to talk to Al Mujeeb- the One who never fails to respond- is a relief, a comfort and an assurance. Thank You, my Lord for being there for me, for holding me up each time I slipped, for bringing me back to You again and again and again, for forgiving and overlooking me despite my sins, for watching over me every second of the day, for caring for me and for just being there for me. It's all the strength I ever need.

"And in Sujood, the heart found what it lost"

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


We see what's happening in Syria, Palestine, Kashmir, Iraq, Yemen, Afghanistan and to rest of the Muslim Ummah and it's distressing. It really is and sometimes, it's hard for us to console ourselves. We wonder when it's going to stop and why it's even happening. Seeing pictures of helpless fathers holding the body of their little baby, children crying over the dead body of their mother, infants, barely months old bleeding to death. We can hardly bear a prick on our hands and here, those kids are suffering so much. It's unfair, we think.
I tell you this because I've had these thoughts running around my head like why Allah is allowing the oppresses to kill His servants. 
Only today, I was reflecting on this verse from Surah Aal Imran, verse 18:
Allah bears witness that there is no deity except Him, and [so do] the angels and those of knowledge - [that He is] maintaining [creation] in justice. There is no deity except Him, the Exalted in Might, the Wise.
So you see, there is never an instance, even a split second in which Allah does injustice to His creation. Find this difficult to accept? Would you believe your mother if she told you she loved you? Then believe your Lord, the Most Truthful, when He not only says but also bears witness to the fact that He maintains justice. And who's testimony do we need other than Allah's?
The thing is we are quick to judge everything on the apparent and we fail to delve deeper into it. The oppressors, whether they are the president of a country, an army or even an individual person, if they do injustice, if they kill someone without any right and oppress them, do you think that Allah is going to let them be? Never.
And do you think that those who are oppressed, the innocent men, women and children are going to suffer without an end? Of course not.
For the oppressors, they are deluded by their wealth, influence and power and they forget that a day is soon going to come when they will meet their Lord and when that time comes, do you think Allah who loves us more than even or own mother is going to let them be? Impossible.
When they meet their death and they definitely will, they are going to be questioned by Allah for every single soul they killed, for every square inch of land they stole, for everything they robbed from the people. They laughed after inflicting harm on the Muslims and on the Day of Judgement, they will burn in the fire again and again. Never can they get away from that. They had all the influence in the world and helpers left right and center but who will come to their rescue on the Day of Judgement? No one. And on top of that, when Allah will ask them if they enjoyed any pleasure in the world, what will they say? Nothing. They enjoyed no pleasure because the horrors of the Day of Judgement is such that mankind will forget every pleasure of this world.
Isn't this justice my brothers and sisters? This is Allah's justice.
And as for those who were oppressed, whether they are dead or living today in Syria, Palestine, Kashmir, Yemen, Afghanistan or anywhere else in this world, they have been killed for the simple reason that they are Muslims right? They sacrificed their life for Allah and do you think Allah is going to deprive them of life?
Think not of those who are killed in the Way of Allah as dead. Nay, they are alive, with their Lord, and they have provision. (Quran 3: 169)
When they return to Allah, they will be under the care of Allah enjoying, receiving provision and rejoicing. As for those who are suffering at the hands of the tyrants, know that soon Allah will give you relief. With Allah, you have a guaranteed and perfect future, In sha Allah. For every pain you endured, Allah will increase your rank in Jannah and give you pleasures that will make you forget everything you suffered in this world. If Allah were to ask you in Jannah if you suffered any difficulty, you would certainly say that you never ever suffered. The pleasures of Jannah is such that it will make you forget any difficulty you endured here.
Isn't this justice my brothers and sisters? This is Allah's justice.
It might not be in the way we expect it to be but it will be the best justice and the most deserving justice.
So be among those people of knowledge who bears witness to the fact that Allah maintains justice with His creation.
Allah bears witness that there is no deity except Him, and [so do] the angels and those of knowledge - [that He is] maintaining [creation] in justice. There is no deity except Him, the Exalted in Might, the Wise.

Laa ilaha illahuwa al Azeez al Hakeem.